Happy Tuesday my friends!
I’m SO excited to bring you this post today. Someone on Instagram sent me a message asking if I could do a blog post about being emotionally self reliant. As soon as I saw that message, I thought “YES! That is SUCH a good idea.” So much so that I wanted to do it right away, that is how I always get with content I’m excited about.
While I’d still consider myself young (31 is young, right?), I’ve had enough life experiences that I’ve REALLY learned and grown from. Over the past few years, I’ve truly felt my happiest, most self assured, stable me. A big part of this blog is sharing my growing experiences in hopes that it might inspire you in your own journey. I’m not saying that our experiences will be exact mirrors of each other, but I am saying…by all means, learn from me and my mistakes!
My own experience:
Over the past few years, I’ve really learned a lot in relationships. In my twenties, I still placed far too much of my happiness in other people’s hands. Whether it be a friend or a boyfriend, their moods, actions and words could really impact me. The problem with living that way is that you are constantly at the mercy of those people.
One place I’ve really grown in is my friendships. As I’ve shared before, I deeply believe in loving people where they are and not keeping score.
Example: There was a time when I was very invested in whether I was in someone’s wedding as if that one day and bridesmaid dress completely defined our relationship. This past Sunday, I was talking to one of my dearest friends that is currently trying to decide on her bridesmaids. I told her, “Honestly, do not give it too much of your worry. I think we’ve all grown enough to know that whether we are right by your side or sitting in a seat watching you…we understand and are cheering for you.” Our other friend, that somewhat lacks a filter, asked her is she had decided yet…spurring this conversation. 😉 I’m not going to let her eventual decision impact my happiness, mood, or our friendship.
It took me a lot of growing, reading, and learning to figure out how to let friendships be driven by grace rather than grudges. Cheering rather than competing. Love rather than expectations.
SO many of the books that I read talk about how a grudge really hurts you more than the other person. You are giving a lot of negative energy into something, when your energy could be much better spend somewhere else. Somewhere more fruitful.
Another thing I’ve learned is letting go of the “I cannot believe she didn’t even call me about my breakup, I would DEFINITELY have called her.” Often when people use the phrase, “I WOULD’VE DONE ______ for her” I often gently reply, but you aren’t her. You are you. You can hold your friends to what you THINK (key word) you would do because they might often disappoint you then. It is easy to think we’d always show up and be the best friend, but chances are…we might fall short too sometimes.
As Drew and I were discussing this blog post last night, I was telling him how I love encouragement and praise as much as the next person. BUT, I don’t NEED it to be self assured in what I’m doing. I feel confident and excited about the things I’m doing without outside praise. I’ve also grown into not needed permission to do things and *mostly* not worrying about what someone would think. I almost ASKED readers if you thought a Facebook group for women and mamas would be a good idea (join it here). I thought, JUST DO IT! What’s the worst that could happen? You don’t need permission.
Example: Even though Drew and I have very similar personalities and demeanors, I still do not always go down the same path he does. Drew has what we call his “Bridget Jone Diaries” nights, where he is a lot more Eeyore than his normal self. I say something really positive and he tells me he just needs a night to get it out…he doesn’t want the positive. 😉 I don’t go down the rabbit hole with him, I just keep on shining bright if that is how I feel that day.
A lot of examples and reflections to try to say; being self assured and becoming centered in your emotions will make you your happiest self.
Quick thoughts to help you get there:
- Am I giving this person too much power over me and my mood?
- Is this going to matter tomorrow? Okay will it matter in a week? In a year? In a few years? Do not give too much energy to things that are not going to matter down the road.
- How did I feel BEFORE the interaction that sent me into a tailspin? Can I get back there and realize it was the interaction that sent me off course.
- Am I trying to recenter myself? Or giving myself the excuse that ____ put me in this mood and upset me.
- Realize that if this is someone REALLY close to you (your husband), this is going to be really hard. BUT, leading the way by example and then trying to give him examples of the energy he is bringing into the relationship might help.
What the research says:
Research has shown that people with higher self esteem are happier than those with lower self esteem. That being said, the self esteem CANNOT depend on constant reassurance from those around the person.
Why can’t it? Because then you are on a roller coaster with those around you. If they are upset, going through a hard time, impatient, having a crappy day…and you are relying on THEM, then you are on that journey with them. Much more likely to be upset, impatient, and have a crappy day yourself.
If you are emotionally self reliant, you can build stability around yourself.
This isn’t to say that we’re never going to be hurt or angered by the people around us, because we’re not robots without hearts. This is to say we can figure out our own center of gravity so that we live in our own middle ground, not willing to get to jarred off course by someone else.
Hope you enjoyed this post as much as I enjoyed writing/reading other articles about the topic.
Have yourself a great, self assured day!